does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So here I am, sexting at work.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
