I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
