Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
don't judge my taste in strippers
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
