Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
