Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
