okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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