I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
