OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
