update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
