there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
