Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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