You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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