Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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