i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
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want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
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Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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