lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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