Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
