I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
