Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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