Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Is it because I queefed?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
