no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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