i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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