You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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