Will you blow on my dice?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
