maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
