I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
