i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
