o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
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Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
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It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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