my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
