listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
