It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
