Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
