1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
