Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
