You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
if only i could text you this smell
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
