nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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