Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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