I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
