hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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