apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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