i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
