God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
