i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
