PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
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I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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