If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I intend to get homeless drunk
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
