it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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