Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
