ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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