so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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