I'm going to jail i love you
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
