Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
