when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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