I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just invented taco cereal.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.