in pain and im wearing pink underwear
i dont own pink underwear
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."