The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."