I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
