He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
