Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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