There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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