my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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